Sunday, July 23, 2006


People always think I'm such a cheerful person, but most of them don't know that I suffer from depression. For years, I walked around feeling not quite right, like some of the color had been washed out of everything. While my marriage was heading downhill, I was diagnosed with double depression--disthymia, or chronic low-grade depression, punctuated by periods of major depression. I started taking antidepressants and seeing a therapist, and I pulled myself up into the land of the living. Leaving my husband helped a lot, since our mutual misery kept feeding on itself. I felt like I had a new lease on life: I went to the gym, started dating, and generally started living, instead of just existing. I stopped seeing my therapist after about 2 years, because I felt like I was to the point where we were just doing some fine-tuning.

Things were great. Then I met John.

We only dated for a few months, but it was so intense, it felt like we were together for a lot longer. One day, out of the blue, he said he couldn't see me any more. I had known all along that I wouldn't want to marry him or anything, but I still didn't take it well. I lost my momentum, and thus began my long slide back into depression. Over the last couple years, I could feel myself slipping back into the old feeling, but a few weeks ago, it hit hard. I knew I was in trouble when I didn't want to look at a pair of knitting needles. I usually pick up my knitting almost as soon as I get home, but for the last few weeks, I haven't touched it. Then I woke up one day and could barely get myself out of bed. I called out sick, and called my insurance company to find a therapist. I've seen her twice so far, and I think she'll be a good fit--she focuses on the body as well as the mind. I'll get through this eventually, but right now, it all feels overwhelming. I know I shouldn't have waited this long to start back up, but inertia is a powerful thing. I've got to find something to get me going again, to get my momentum back. I don't know what it will be, but I hope it shows up soon.

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